Day 28 Final Day of the Soul Coaching Program & My Quest

"I give love deeply and fully. I receive love deeply and fully. My essence is love." - from the book Soul Coaching by Denise Linn

I have to tell you that the 28 Day Soul Coaching Program was more powerful than I expected. Although I hit a few rough patches and skipped a few days, it didn't seem to matter as I felt I was being propelled toward my changes. I feel lighter, and blessed to have a marvellous circle of Soul Sisters to rely upon. I've taken some brave new personal steps (more about that later) and feel as though I'm on the edge of a new adventure.

One big "aha" for me during this time has been my realization that my experience of happiness if fully in my hands, and that I must decide when and where I want to experience it. I have put my own happiness off for a variety of reasons: I have to get my work done first. (Ha! Like that ever happens.) I have to work through or "process" this problem first. Other people's needs are what is important now, not my own. I am being selfish. I need someone to share it with. blah, blah, blah...

Last week I took advantage of a coupon someone gave me for a introductory dance lesson. My instructor was a beautiful and talented man named Loki. He was patient, had a marvellous sense of humor and I felt like he could look into my soul. Our lesson was just for a half hour, but he spotted the drama queen in me and the part that loves being the center of attention. "Have we met?" I asked him. He just smiled and said, "I am very intuitive." Well, I just had to sign up for six one-hour private lessons. Today is my first full lesson!

At one point during the introductory lesson I nearly started crying as I felt my decision to take these lessons was a decision to live in my joy. It was also a decision to listen to my body better, and to trust and allow another to lead -- something I am not accustomed to doing. It is also part of my preparation to make myself available for a totally new relationship. I have a feeling I am in for a wild ride...

This last weekend I went on my Quest. A Quest is a journey you take to ask your soul to reveal what you have learned on your 28 Day Soul Coaching Program. The idea is to go somewhere you can quietly reflect and call on your Soul and guides to reveal whatever it is you need to see.

I decided to combine two adventures into one. I was going to meet my former significant other (and still great friend) as he was travelling on a soul journey of his own. An avid hiker and backpacker, he had decided to hike the entire Florida trail which runs 1100 miles from the Florida Everglades to Pensacola at the far western edge of the state.  He had started out on his journeya few days after I had left for my Soul Coaching training at Denise Linn's Summerhill Ranch in Paso Robles, California.

Last weekend was his fortieth birthday and I wanted to surprise B (as I will call him here) and meet up with him along the trail. He had been diligently planning his trip for weeks and I knew he would be at a particularly favorite camping spot of ours in the Apalachicola National Forest near Tallahassee, Florida.  I packed up a few treats and a fresh change of clothes and set out to backpack into a place we had named "Cali Point". Cali Point has a beautiful story all it's own that I will share with another time.

I had mixed emotions as I hiked back into the woods. We had ended out relationship over a year ago, yet were able to remain friends and stay in close contact with each other. We talked regularly via cell phone over the past few weeks where I received updates on his progress and experiences along the way. Although I planned to arrive at the campsite a few hours earlier than I expected B to arrive, giving myself some time alone there to reflect over the past month, I questioned my choice to combine my Quest with this reunion. Was I avoiding being alone? Was I creating a convenient distraction for myself?

I had had a very vivid dream a few weeks earlier where I was with B and my younger sister. In my dream, they were each going on a separate trip and I knew I would not be seeing them again for a long time, if ever. They both seemed at ease and eager to go on their respective trips, but I was sad that they were leaving and felt that loss quite keenly. I had been planning this trip for weeks, but suddenly I questioned my motives for going. Was I unwilling to let go of this relationship and move on, as I claimed I was ready to do? (Hey, I put it on my Soul Collage!) But, I looked into my heart and felt it was really what I wanted to do. I was so proud of B for making this trip. I admired the determination and stamina it took to do it, plus, I wanted to be there to celebrate his milestone birthday with him.

I thought about this dream again as I neared the campsite. It was hot and humid, as it is in Florida in the summer. I was perspiring profusely, but was not uncomfortable as I made my way through trails and forest roads I had travelled dozens of times. I found myself excited in anticipation of the look of surprise on his face when he saw the camp I had set up for his arrival.

Cali Point is an elevated peninsula between the Sopchoppy River and Monkey Creek. Live oak, cypress and cedar trees line the river banks, along with long leaf pines. They form a beautiful canopy of shade over the spot where I would pitch my tent. I set up the tent and then strung up my new hammock, complete with enclosed screen and climbed inside. I looked up through the trees to the blue sky, took a few deep breaths and asked my guides to come to me with any messages or symbols I needed. The wind whispered softly through the  pines and the creek gurgled in the background. Even the buzzing of the pesky yellow flies seemed music to my meditation.

I found myself keeping one eye out for B coming up the trail, afraid he would see the tent, presume someone else had taken his spot, and back away to find somewhere else to camp. I started giving myself grief about not being able to go deeply into meditation and receive a profound message. Instead, I decided to just be grateful for the experience of being there. Once I made that choice, I soon expereicned a wave of gratitude flood over me for everything B and I had experienced together. I was especially grateful that we had been able to maintain the best parts of our relationship. We share a deep love of nature and respect for the earth. We both love adventure and exploring and learning. We also have the same irreverent, sardonic sense of humor.

Then I realized that this was the message I was supposed to receive: To deeply cherish the blessings of the people I care about and to release the pain in order to experience my joy and happiness. I really felt so very blessed to have known B. He has helped me grow in so many ways.

Suddenly I heard footsteps and looked up to see B walking toward the campsite, slowing as he saw my tent. He stopped for a moment and peered at the hammock. It was a bit difficult to see through the screen, I imagined. Then I saw a huge grin of recognition spread across his face.

"I'm sorry, you can't camp here mister," I said with a grin, then shouted, "Happy Birthday!"

He laughed. " This is the best birthday present ever!"

I climbed out of the hammock and walked toward him. I was shocked and delighted to find that he had lost what looked like forty pounds since the last time I'd seen him. I gave him a big hug and told him how great he looked. He said that he had hoped I would surprise him on his birthday, but he tried hard not to expect it so he wouldn't be too disappointed if I wasn't there.

I couldn't stop staring at him. He looked absolutely radiant. He smiled all the time and seemed truly at peace. It was so great to see him that way. I felt myself attracted to him all over again. He unloaded his pack and we went down to the river to cool off as he told me more about his trip. He'd seen a yearling bear close up just the previous day who had just stared at him without running away. "You are one with nature now," I teased. "Besides, you probably smelled like one of his clan."

After cleaning up a bit he donned the tee shirt I had gotten for him in Sequoia National Forest, then I took him into a nearby town to pick up a few supplies andwhere we had Mexican at a local restaurant. Back at camp we listened as a thunderstorm circled around us. There is nothing quite like being in a thunderstorm with nothing between you and the fury of the storm but a thin piece of cloth. I sat inside the tent and away from the biting flies as B prepared his pack for the next day. I commented how much more serene he seemed and just how much I had appreciated him being able to keep the good parts of our relationship without hanging on to the bitterness and pain. We talked into the night and he read me a few pages from his journal that he had been keeping before we drifted off to sleep accompanied by the music of the cicadas and crickets. It was really a very lovely experience.

Although we awoke at six o'clock the next morning, we were slow to get going. We finished eating the fresh fruit I had brought along, then packed up camp. I took a few things with me that he no longer needed to make his pack (which averages about 55 pounds) a little lighter. We walked together for about .7 of a mile until the trail separated where he needed to go and where I would go back to my car. I knew he would have liked me to linger with him longer and I was tempted, but one of the lessons I am learning is taking care of myself, and I had made plans with some other friends for later that day.

We said an emotional good bye with more hugs and kisses and then we each walked our separate ways, I looked back now and again until he disappeared into the rows of slash pines.

As I returned to my car, I noticed hundreds of beautiful, huge butterflies, mostly swallowtails flitting along the forest road. Here was my symbol -- it represented transformation!

I look forward to seeing him again in a few weeks when I will bring him more supplies and then will pick him up once he reaches the final trail head. He is a remarkable person and a part of me thinks about trying it again with him. A lot of the issues we both struggled with during our relationship have been healing since we separated. But, a part of me knows we each have our own paths to follow. My goal is to live in the present, so I try not to project into the future too much about what might be. All I know right now is that I am truly grateful to have known him and so glad I included B in my Quest.

Blessings to all.

Melody